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Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth |
Dear Dr. TRuth,
I have been married for two years and things have gone
steadily downhill. I thought I married my soul-mate
yet now we can’t seem to agree on anything important.
When we were engaged, I though we agreed on
everything. Now, even how we like our pasta cooked is
a bone of contention.
Our biggest fights seem to be
about money. I love nice things and a beautiful
environment. I think my husband would be happy living
in a cave.
Whenever I come home with a new dress or an
item to beautify our house, he hits the ceiling. He
wants to retire at 50 and sees any expenditure beyond
bare necessities as taking away from his nest egg.
I
was raised in a home where money was seen as a way to
live better. He grew up in a poorer home where his
family scrimped and saved to provide their children
with a relatively good life.
Believe me, I am far
from extravagant, but I don’t think I should have to
defend myself every time I buy something without his
approval.
I am at my wits end with this. Please
help.
Sincerely,
J.
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Dear J.
Yours is not the first letter I’ve received needing
advice on this topic.
Issues with money, probably
second only to sex, are the two subjects couples seem
to fight about most. Actually, I think this has to do
with the fact that both of these issues touch on each
individuals need to control their physical and
emotional environments.
You mention that when you met
your husband, you agreed on everything. This is not
uncommon. You have to remember that, in a
relationship’s beginning phase, there is a high degree
of enmeshment which sometimes precludes open and
honest discussions where disagreements may occur.
At
this point, rather than finding out how different we
are, couples are more involved with the ecstasy of no
longer feeling alone.
After living together for a
while, couples begin to define their boundaries more
clearly, and differences which have been submerged
before come to the surface.
I suspect this is what has
happened here.
Since the two of you are fighting
about everything, I wonder if there is an underlying
sense of having been deprived or cheated of something
that both of you may want and can’t communicate. My
guess is that this is what is being acted out using
money as a convenient pretext.
Money issues, more
often than not, reflect a lack of emotional intimacy
within the context of a relationship. Further, the
inability of the couple to communicate about their
emotional needs creates problems which manifest as
financial issues. Believe it or not, money and love
sometimes symbolize each other in the way that giving,
sharing, receiving, and spending are expressed.
Forget money for a moment and ask yourself this
question: “Do I honestly feel that I am getting enough
love and understanding from my mate?” Then, ask him
the same question!
I would be willing to “put money”
on the fact that neither of you is really
communicating on the underlying issues of emotional
intimacy in this relationship.
Then, really talk to
each other. Without either of you being defensive,
find out what your spouse really feels he is missing.
And tell him the same about yourself.
If you can do
this, I guarantee that your ability to discuss your
financial issues will follow suit.
Honest
communication about deeper feelings and the safety to
do this without ridicule or defensiveness is the key
to happiness in any good relationship.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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