Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth
Dear Doctor TRuth,
I'm having a self-esteem/confidence crisis.
Recently, a friend of two years who I was getting closer with just
dropped me like a rock through a text message.
I'm single again, but
it's more than that.
I'm 25 and have yet to be in a real relationship,
I'm very uncomfortable talking to strange women (and it's obvious to
everyone), I have like this aura around me that tells people I'm
single, and seems to tell girls that my confidence isn't good and I'm
The other thing is that it scares me to realize that a women's interest
level can work like a switch and go from on to off if they think someone better comes around. It doesn't give me much confidence that if
another girl falls into the picture, the same thing won't happen.
So my question for you is how can I really improve my self esteem and
confidence given these things.
I know its something you can Google, or
read in a book, but I feel I need professional help.
I desperately want
to be able to date like a normal person, but I'm scared I'm heading
down the road of the 40 year old virgin.
Any help is appreciated.
Dear Mr. X
Thank you for you letter. Unfortunately, your issue is extremely common. You would be surprised to learn that even people who seem to be outgoing and confident may really be shy inside.
Self confidence is something most of us work on our entire lives. It has roots in early childhood and stems from the way we perceived ourselves and the way other people perceived us during our formative years.
Since you don't mention your background in your letter, please consider it. Ask yourself the following questions:
1. What was your relationship with your parents?
2. What was your family life like?
3. What were your early experiences like in term of school, athletics, social life?
4. How do you feel about your appearance?
5. Do you have any skills or abilities you feel proud of?
6. Did your parents have a loving relationship?
7. Do you have a close relationship with your siblings, if any?
After you examine these questions, you may gain some insight in terms of why you have these self doubts.
In addition, instead of taking things so seriously, look at your contacts with young women as fun occasions where you can get to know an interesting person, not as do or die situations which will test your attractiveness. Try not to worry how well you are coming across...instead, focus on whether or not she is someone worth your while and if she is an interesting and fun companion.
Third, and I hate to sound so cliché but it's really true, if you have any consuming interests or hobbies, people tend to have more in common under those circumstances.
I think it is important to see yourself as a smart, fun and interesting young man who likes life and is sincerely interested in others...Until you gain some more experience with girls to build your confidence, just concentrate on networking, making new friends of both sexes, and basically enjoying your life. Eventually, the confidence will come so don't let a few bad experiences get you down. Everybody gets rejected occasionally. All that means is that someone better is coming.
If this problem persists or seems to be getting worse, you can definitely talk to a professional. Even a few sessions can work wonders.
Good luck to you. You can deal with this. Lots of people have worries about themselves in relationship to the opposite sex and the only way to handle this is to keep putting yourself out there.
If you give in to fear, it just makes things worse over time.
Please keep me posted and thanks for writing.