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Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth |
Dear Doctor TRuth,
Hello, recently I have developed strong feelings for an old friend and
those feelings have been returned. We have gone out on a couple of dates
and we have even kissed.
There are a couple of issues surrounding this
relationship that I am having issues with. The first one is that she just
got out of an abusive 2 year relationship. I realize that I may be a
rebound, but for some reason I have this feeling that we are sharing more
than that. I am there for her when she needs to talk and I give her advice
when she needs it. Do you think that is the right thing to do?
Second, her best friend is my ex-girlfriend, but we haven't dated for about 4
years; I guess her friend has developed feelings for me again, but I am not
returning those feelings. I just want to be friends.
Should I talk to my
ex-girlfriend about this issue (with the permission of the girl that I
currently have feelings for of course) or should I leave it alone?
The girl that I have feelings for and I, have talked about this and she has
come to the conclusion that it is just to much "drama" for her right now,
and she just wants to be friends for now.
I told her that was fine, but I
want to "keep the door open" once she has worked out her issues. She said
ok and that she agrees because "you never know what is going to happen in
the future."
Two questions on this subject. The first is the comment -
"you never know what is going to happen in the future"; should I take that
for face value or should I take that as "it's not going to happen, but I
don't want to hurt your feelings?"
Second if I do take that for face value, how do I keep our relationship from
getting to the point where we are too
good of friends, that would keep us from pursuing a more intimate
relationship.
I know that this sounds discombobulated, but if you could give any advice on
this I would really appreciate it..
Thank you
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Dear "Discombobulated"
The
girl you like is definitely not ready to be with
anyone and she is telling you that very clearly. She
needs down time to recover and get her head together
so let her.
I also advise against "rescuing" her or
playing counselor or therapist. That makes you
co-dependent with her and rescuers usually get kicked
in the head by the people they rescue eventually so
get out of that role right now!!
While it feels good
to be "there" for her and give her advice, when she
heals, she will look at you as someone who knew her
when she was "down" and that may be an unpleasant
association for her.
As far as keeping the door open, it's possible. You
certainly can call her occasionally to see how she is
or even see a movie once in a while if she wants to,
but anyone who has been through an abusive
relationship is pretty damaged for a while.
Don't
forget that her self-esteem has taken a really hard
knock, and no one can give that back to her but
herself. So back way off, give her space, and see
what happens.
As far as the first girl goes, if it's over, it's
over. I don't think you need to say anything but if
she pursues this, just tell her you like her as a
friend, but that's all. Don't mention the first girl
because that has nothing whatever to do with her.
Above all, try to avoid this triangle. If you are
really done with your first girlfriend, then she has
to acknowledge it is over. Don't discuss this further
with the one you like. If she asks, just tell her it
is in the past.
You are a good guy. I can see you have genuine
feelings for this woman but she just isn't ready for
anything!
In the meantime, take care of yourself, and
let her do the same.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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