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Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth |
Dear Dr. TRuth,
I am a 27 year old and engaged for the first time.
My fiancé is about 10 years older than I, divorced, with three children
ages 9, 7 and 4.
We have been together for two years, and we are very much in love, but he is extremely involved
with his ex-wife about child-rearing issues.
He is a wonderful man, but sometimes I wonder if he has room for me in his
life. I find myself resentful of the time he devotes to his "other"
family.
Do you think I should proceed with this marriage?
Sincerely,
P. A.
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Dear P A,
Obviously you have already felt your fiancé's pull
toward his children and experienced what being in a "blended"
family is all about.
Because you chose a man with three children,
you may have sensed from the beginning his involvement and love for them,
but perhaps during your courtship period, you denied the reality of this
man's prior family obligations and how seriously he takes them.
He is, it seems, being a loving and responsible parent and is giving
to his children what you would wish for him to give to your own.
Now that dealing with his first family has become a reality for you,
you are questioning how much emotional energy will be left to begin
life with a new partner.
Here are some factors you might want to consider before you say, "I do."
1. What is the degree of involvement he expects from you in terms of actually parenting his children?
2. How do you feel about his children? Is there an emotional fit?
3. Are you prepared for the inevitable resentment and testing which inevitably arises with you in the role of "Daddy's new wife?"
4. Is he able to separate his disappointments in his previous marriage from his present life with you sufficiently for you to feel emotionally secure in the relationship?
5. Has the issue of future children been agreed upon?
6. Is his style of parenting congruent with your own?
7. Can the two of you communicate about this situation so that you both feel validated and understood?
8. How capable is he of emotional intimacy? Is he over-involved with his children because he fears a repetition of his failed first marriage?
9. Lastly, has he resolved for himself what went wrong in his first marriage? Unresolved issues tend to resurface unless worked through on the emotional level.
These situations can and do work but require monumental sensitivity and a
relatively long adjustment period for all concerned.
Keep the lines of communication open and above all, be very patient.
Remember that this is a huge change for all concerned and don't expect yourself to
love the whole package right off the bat.
What I have found to be extremely
useful in these situations is short-term pre-marital counseling.
This helps enormously to keep expectations and feelings manageable.
With forethought and understanding, this can be a successful marriage.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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