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Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth |
Dear Dr. TRuth,
Hi I need advice. I am in a relationship with
a woman from Russia.
We live together in Illinois now.
Some times I find her abrupt, but the real problem is that
she is often raising her eyebrows and saying 'Brian,
why do you do this?' or 'why do you do that?'
Then she gives
me an expression that looks like - "how stupid can you get?"
If I say
' stop' she will either go over the top in making it up to me or get
angry for a while.
Unfortunately when all this happens,
I feel very sick to my stomach and wonder what it
is all about.
I think in her own way she loves me.
When she is
treating me good I feel good, but there are just such
extremes.
Call me "Brian"
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Dear "Brian"
First let me say that her ethnic style is radically
different from your own in that she tends to be more
overt and upfront in the way she communicates.
But on
the other hand, no one has a right to ridicule or
demean you and it seems that she is a poor listener
who can't handle feedback.
Second, let me say that I
don't think this has much to do with you but rather,
the way she has been raised.
Adults who act this way
have often been verbally abused as children and made
to feel very badly about themselves when they did not
please the adults in their environment.
On the other
hand, this does not give her the right to treat you
this way and it is actually a form of control that is
literally making you "sick to your stomach."
You are
doing the right thing by telling her to "stop it!" and
if she won't, your next best bet is to leave the room
and to tell her you will be back when she cuts it out.
Further, there is an excellent book you can read called
"
The Verbally Abusive Relationship"
by Patricia Evans.
I have recommended this book to
many people and it describes exactly what you are
going through.
I suggest you get it and read it,
preferably with her when she is in a calm mood.
She
needs to know that her behavior is totally
unacceptable and is actually very destructive of self
and others.
Good luck to you. No one needs to take this
kind of treatment. If you don't handle it, believe me,
it will erode your self-esteem and no one can afford
that!
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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