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Love advice for a guy who's in a new relationship (3 months) and is concerned that his girlfriend is cooling down.

Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I have had a big crush on this girl at my church, she is 16 and I'm 18.

She is really nice to me and we talk to each other on the phone almost everyday and we hang out sometimes, we go to separate high schools, the problem is that I don't know whether to tell her that I like her or not. I've developed a nice friendly relationship with her and I'm afraid that if I tell and if she doesn't feel the same way, that would all end, but if I don't tell her, I'll never know if she felt the same way about me.

It's hard especially when we hang out together, I have hard time fighting not to put my arm around her or hug her or whatever.

Bottom line, I want to tell her how I feel, but afraid of what might happen. What should I do?

Being Torn Apart

Dear Torn,

This is always a very touchy subject and you are right that speaking at the wrong time could really ruin things.

From your letter, it seems as though the two of you spend a lot of time together. What you don't say is how she behaves towards you.

  • Is she warm and friendly?
  • Does she look into your eyes when she speaks with you?
  • Does she treat you differently than the other guys?
  • Does she seem to seek out your company?
  • Do the two of you ever spend time alone together?
  • Would you ever consider asking her out on a real date?
It seems that when you see her, you are usually in a structured situation which would not allow for either of you to open up to your real feelings much less your desire to hug her and show her what is in your heart. Would it be possible for you to suggest something like a movie or a even a long walk where the opportunity for a real discussion about things might evolve?

Secondly, I don't really know what the two of you talk about. When you are alone, does she share anything personal about herself? The opportunity to deepen your relationship occurs when you can ask her about her own life and how she views the life she is living.

Basically, the only way to move things along here is for you to take some kind of risk when the two of you are not with a bunch of other people. I would also take every opportunity to compliment her and praise her. That is a more indirect way of saying "I like you" without taking the risk of really coming out and saying it.

So try to find or create a way to spend some time with her and to talk on a really personal level. You don't have to reveal everything but you do have to let her know you are interested, even if it is indirect.

Think this: the worst that can happen is that she doesn't feel the same. Can you deal with that? The best that can happen is that she does, and think how happy you will be that you went for it.

Bottom line:
  • Let her know in subtle ways how you feel by your interest in her life and by your desire to spend personal time with her.
  • See if you can pick up on some nonverbal cues from her. We don't always need words to communicate.
If she says yes when you ask her to do something, that should tell you that she at least has some interest in spending time with you without you coming out and telling her everything. If you can do that much, you're halfway there.

All good things require some risk. Good luck with this and please let me know what happens.

Dr. TRuth

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Love advice for a guy who's concerned about his new relationship and his girlfriend cooling down...