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Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth |
Dear Dr. TRuth,
I have had a big crush on this girl at my church, she is 16
and I'm 18.
She is really nice to me and we talk to each
other on the phone almost everyday and we hang out
sometimes, we go to separate high schools, the problem is
that I don't know whether to tell her that I like her or
not. I've developed a nice friendly relationship with her
and I'm afraid that if I tell and if she doesn't feel the
same way, that would all end, but if I don't tell her, I'll
never know if she felt the same way about me.
It's hard
especially when we hang out together, I have hard time
fighting not to put my arm around her or hug her or
whatever.
Bottom line, I want to tell her how I feel, but afraid of
what might happen. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Being Torn Apart
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Dear Torn,
This is always a very touchy subject and you are right
that speaking at the wrong time could really ruin
things.
From your letter, it seems as though the two
of you spend a lot of time together. What you don't
say is how she behaves towards you.
- Is she warm and
friendly?
- Does she look into your eyes when she
speaks with you?
- Does she treat you differently than
the other guys?
- Does she seem to seek out your
company?
- Do the two of you ever spend time alone
together?
- Would you ever consider asking her out on a
real date?
It seems that when you see her, you are
usually in a structured situation which would not
allow for either of you to open up to your real
feelings much less your desire to hug her and show her
what is in your heart. Would it be possible for you
to suggest something like a movie or a even a long
walk where the opportunity for a real discussion about
things might evolve?
Secondly, I don't really know
what the two of you talk about. When you are alone,
does she share anything personal about herself? The
opportunity to deepen your relationship occurs when
you can ask her about her own life and how she views
the life she is living.
Basically, the only way to move things along here is
for you to take some kind of risk when the two of you
are not with a bunch of other people. I would also
take every opportunity to compliment her and praise
her. That is a more indirect way of saying "I like
you" without taking the risk of really coming out and
saying it.
So try to find or create a way to spend some time with
her and to talk on a really personal level. You
don't have to reveal everything but you do have to let
her know you are interested, even if it is indirect.
Think this: the worst that can happen is that she
doesn't feel the same. Can you deal with that? The
best that can happen is that she does, and think how
happy you will be that you went for it.
Bottom line:
- Let her know in subtle ways how you feel
by your interest in her life and by your desire to
spend personal time with her.
- See if you can pick up
on some nonverbal cues from her. We don't always need
words to communicate.
If she says yes when you ask her
to do something, that should tell you that she at
least has some interest in spending time with you
without you coming out and telling her everything. If
you can do that much, you're halfway there.
All good
things require some risk. Good luck with this and
please let me know what happens.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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