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Relationship Advice for a Girl with a Guy with a Commitment Phobia |
Dear Dr. TRuth,
I have been dating a commitment phobic individual off and on for over a year and as can be expected, the relationship has been a roller coaster ride.
He has always returned with humble apologies and I have always forgiven. I really like him, enjoy his wit, humor, and he is very intelligent. However things have recently gotten very sticky.
A mutual friend has caused a major rift between the two of us, that I do not know if it can be crossed.
In short an argument ensued about my ex-boyfriend and myself sleeping together after he told me he was not ready for a commitment (again). I told our friend that I would not go there again, however, I did not keep my word and I stayed with him. When our friend found out a confrontation between the two of them became a big blow out and neither my ex nor I really understood it. It would seem that my friend and my ex-boyfriend will most likely recover, as they have been friends much longer, though things may be different between them.
As far as myself and my ex, I do not know. We parted ways awkwardly and I left without saying goodbye, and shed a few tears. Prior to the incident he wanted to remain friends (for convenience?) now I don't know where I stand.
Should I try to contact him and discuss this with him or should I let it go and wait to see if I hear from him?
If I do hear from him do I discuss the incident or do I blow it off? Or am I better off just walking away completely and write if off as a loss though I will miss him dearly.
I am truly at a loss.
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Dear Loss,
There are so many things about your situation that
trouble me.
First, it is triangular in nature and
this always leads to problems. What does this friend
have to do with this relationship? At the very least,
it is none of their business.
Second, why are you so
unsure of yourself that you even listen to a third
person?
Third, if someone continually causes us pain
and grief, this is obviously not going to make you
happy.
Fourth, why run after someone who is this
ambivalent about wanting a commitment.
It is one thing to call someone a commitment phobic
individual. It is another thing to keep hoping that
things will be different. I wonder why you feel he
will change? Is he in therapy? Is he working towards
dealing with whatever issues made him so fearful in
the first place? Probably not!
So this begs the
question about your own sense of self-worth.
Ask yourself:
1) Do I really really want a
relationship? If so, why be with someone who doesn't?
2) If I really have confidence in myself, why am I
with someone why I have to try to convince to be with
me?
3) Does my own family background support healthy
and loving relationships?
4) Does his?
One of the problems I see with women who continue on
with men who won't commit is that something in their
own past has made them frightened of commitment
themselves. Remember that we usually choose our own
"mirror image" when it comes to mate selection. If
you are with a man like this, he is probably
reflecting your own issues right back to you.
As far as my advice, I think it's pretty clear.
Walk
away!!
You've gone on with this for a year and
nothing has changed. Second, try to look inward and
find out why you have chosen this situation
unconsciously and maybe this will help you to grow
emotionally in the direction of choosing someone who
can love you as you, and as we all, deserve.
Basically, people don't change all that much. If he
doesn't want to commit and has not already done so, he
either has his own issues to work through or else he
just isn't ready. In that case, there is nothing you
can do about this except to choose a direction that is
more emotionally satisfying. As far as remaining
friends, perhaps you could in the future but right
now, I would totally cool it.
I hope this advice has been useful. Please keep me
posted and good luck!!
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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