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Relationship Advice - I Want to Be More Than Just a Flirty Friend
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Dear Dr. TRuth,
I'm 16 and recently went back to work at the restaurant I worked at the
previous summer. I was surprised to find out that J., 20, had started to
work there on the same day that I came back. We worked together last summer,
I had no strong feelings for him this way or that.
I began to flirt with him
immediately, normally I wouldn't do this, but I am comfortable around him.
He's always set me at ease. I did childish things like throw parsley at him,
he often attempted to throw it right back.
Anyway, as time went on we'd stand
close together in the doorway, just subtle flirtatious things like that.
Later, he began to flirt back with me by putting me in headlocks and lightly
pushing me. Sometimes we'd hold hands until the next session of flirtation
began.
To make a long story short (I'm sorry! I don't want to bore you! ^^;;)
I asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he said he did. I almost slapped
myself, was he ever planning on telling me if I never asked? I guess I
should have asked earlier, but maybe I didn't want to know if he did...
So even though I really liked him I tried to not flirt with him, I felt that
things were just "weird," because it feels so natural to have the flirtation
between us. I don't want to hurt his girlfriend, but I can't help the way I
feel...
So later after I pretty much had stopped my advances, he starts to flirt
with ME again! (not vice versa!) What am I supposed to do?! I flirt back,
because I still have strong feelings for him.
One night when we worked alone we got drunk (well I had 2 beers, he had 3)
and we played around some more. We did the normal flirty things that we
usually do, stand really close together, he holds me and runs his mouth/face
over my neck/collarbone. Then our boss shows up, we scramble outside and I
ride around with him in his car (I was afraid to drive).
He said he wanted
to have sex with me, and I told him, "No way. I'm a virgin. I'd never have
sex with you unless I really really liked you and you were my boyfriend."
I
told him the last part to be nice. I'm really saving myself for marriage.
Later before he dropped me off and said that he wanted to kiss me, but he
said he shouldn't because, A. I'm "too young", and B. he has a GF. I gave
him a kiss on the cheek and told him Goodnight. That way his GF can't be mad
at him.
Another night (next week) we got drunk again at work, I had 3 wine spritzers
and he had a beer. We fooled around some more and I kissed him, or he kissed
me...I don't know. He told me I was a good kisser (but you never know
because boys lie! :-P) and that he wanted me to kiss him again. I eventually
end up kissing him more and more that night before we went over another
restaurant that my boss owns. He's my second kiss, and I love kissing
him. Of course, because I was drunk I told him that when I was kissing my
first kiss I was thinking about him. (I was!)
He told me that he would date
me if he didn't have a girlfriend already, I told him that I would wait for
him...oh, he also said that he likes me.
He also told me that someone told his girl that I had a crush on him. We
think it was one of the waitstaff, that told one of HER friends, that told
his girl. (Yes, one big long chain of ppl ^^;;) I asked if he would act
weird around me when that certain waitress was around, first he said
probably, and then he said he would act the same around me. I was happy when
he said that, I don't want things to change. Oh, this was also on another
day of working alone together, we were sober!
So the day after our kiss, he acts Coldly around me. He tries to avoid me if
possible, and barely talks to me. The next day is kind of the same, but he
tells me he had a huge fight with his girlfriend (that wants to beat me
up..) partly over me. He told me that he told his girl that he didn't care
about me.
So here I am. I'm confused and lost. I really like him. I don't want to get
burned, but it appears to be too late. I know that if I dated him, I would
be the only one..but how would I be for sure when he flirts with me and has
a girl?! I don't want to have these doubts, I trust him completely.
How
should I act around him? What should I do? I just want to flirt with him,
and he with me, and have everything be alright.
I can't stop thinking about
him, and I just want him to come back to me. What has his problem been
lately? I just don't understand. I can't turn to anyone else for help.
Thanks!
~ Hurt and Confused
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Dear H and C
I think you already know what to do but in case there
is any doubt, let me lay it on you.
First, this guy is a MAJOR PLAYER. He may be nice and
he may even like you, but basically, he is nothing
more than a guy who cheats on his girlfriend. Are you
sure you want to be the next girlfriend that he cheats
on because, believe me, it will happen. Second, you
say you would trust him if he were you boyfriend!
Based on what???? He is extremely untrustworthy and
absolutely not ready for commitment. How do I know?
Look how he is handling and commitment he made to his
girlfriend.
Ask yourself: How did she get to be his girlfriend?
He flirted with her, kissed her and told her he loved
her. Right? Then, he starts fooling around with you.
Do you really think he likes you better? Darling, you
are nothing more than another notch on his 20 year old
belt!!
I'll tell you what really worries me here: because of
alcohol you went against your better judgment more
than once.
Think: if you weren't drinking, would you
have lead him on like that or even let it go as far as
it did? Probably not. Unconsciously, you allowed
yourself to drink so that you could have the excuse
that you were high. One of the problems with alcohol
is that judgment and inhibitions go out the window.
Because you were drinking, this went a lot farther
then you wanted to if you were thinking clearly.
Here's another problem. You were indiscreet. Now, his
girlfriend knows, has read him the riot act, and wants
to "kick your butt." On top of that, he has now
withdrawn from you emotionally. Doesn't that tell you
where his heart( if he has one) is? Do you really
need all this drama and anxiety?
Please show some self-respect and get back in control,
even if you "really like him." Absolutely ignore him.
If he says hello, you can give him a very small
recognition that you see him and nothing more. You
need to just "walk on by." Do not flirt, do not
drink, do not involve yourself with this immature young man. Even if you are aching inside, you need to
show some pride and self-control. Believe me, you will
heal, but the way to start doing that is to
withdraw, perhaps even find another job.
The last thing you need is an angry girlfriend coming
after you and a boy who acts like a yo yo. These kind
of triangles seldom work out in our favor and leave
the third party feeling empty and alone.
Let the two of them live in their own private Hell.
Create something better for yourself by just walking
away. It is possible and I know you will feel much
much happier when this is behind you.
The lesson this
young man needs to learn is that he can't cheat on his
girlfriend with no consequences. Don't be victimized
by his inability to be faithful. Look right through
him. As far as you're concerned, he has simply ceased
to exist.
I know it will be hard but the reward in terms of
self-esteem and peace will be well worth it.
Thank you
for your letter and please keep me posted.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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