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Love and relationship advice and help with any kind of romantic problem from flirting to getting a date to breaking up - Dr. TRuth - our own "Links 2 Love" - love doctor serves up the truth...

Relationship Advice - I'm in Love with a Guy Who Has a Girlfriend

Dear Dr. TRuth,

I'm writing to you, as I definitely need to know the truth. I started a new job last year and met a guy called Dave.

We instantly clicked and became really good friends. As we have got to know each other these feelings have changed and I cannot stop thinking about him.
The chemistry between us is overwhelming.

When I first started work, I was going out with someone who I had been with for over three years.

We have recently split up, partly to do with the feelings I have got for Dave.

The problem is that he has a girlfriend. She is his first love.

A couple of months ago he told me that he was really confused as although he thinks he loves his girlfriend, he has started to have strong feelings for me. Since then he has been blowing really hot and cold.

There are times when we work together alone and we really have to restrain ourselves to stop anything from happening.

He doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend and neither do I.

When we become close, he seems to run a mile.
He has stopped phoning me at home, as he said that once he has spoken to me, he can't stop thinking about me and this is not fair to his girlfriend.

Sometimes we are really close and other times he is really distant with me. I'm unsure what to do.

Last week he told me that we have loads in common and that we would be perfect together.

Despite this he is not going to split up with his girlfriend at the moment.
I've talked to my mother about it and she thinks that he is scared, as if he splits up with his girlfriend to be with me, we might not work out.

Even though I really like him, I have no intention of letting anything happen between us while he is with his girlfriend.

Working with him is tearing me apart, as I really want to be with him.

I don't want to leave my job, as I love it and please don't tell me to just move on because I have already tried too.

Do you think he really likes me or do you think that he is just playing mind games?
Please help me, as I'm really confused.


Dear Confused

While I definitely think there is a strong mutual chemistry between you, until your friend comes to terms with his sexuality and his sexual preferences, you are going to feel like a bit of a yo yo.

He wants you badly but when you get close, he uses his girlfriend as an excuse to create distance.

This shows how ambivalent he is about intimacy in general! After all, look what he's doing to her.

Your friend has some serious issues not only in terms of his sexual choice but in terms of his ability to be intimate as well.

He has placed himself in the middle of a triangle in which no one really has him and in which he really has nobody!

This kind of push/pull creates a lot of anxiety and pain for everyone involved. How do you think his girlfriend would feel if she found out!

If she is his first love, he certainly isn't treating her well if he is cheating on her emotionally with you!

I will not tell you to move on but I will tell you that until this friend resolves his issues he will not be emotionally available to anyone.

The bottom line issue is that your involvement with someone you can't have makes it easy for you to avoid true intimacy with someone else.

The choice is yours.

Dr. TRuth

If you liked this relationship advice, you might find these letters helpful:
  •    "I'm in Love with a Guy Who's 10 Years Older AND Has a GF"

  •    "I Want to Be More Than Flirty Friends - but He has a GF"

           More Advice from the Love Doctor >>>

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