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Relationship Advice - I'm in Love with a Guy Who Has a Girlfriend
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Dear Dr. TRuth,
I'm writing to you, as I definitely need to know the
truth. I started a new job last year
and met a guy called Dave.
We instantly clicked and
became really good friends. As we have got to know
each other these feelings have changed and I cannot
stop thinking about him.
The chemistry between us
is overwhelming.
When I first started work, I was going out with
someone who I had been with for over three years.
We
have recently split up, partly to do with the
feelings I have got for Dave.
The problem is that he has a girlfriend. She is his
first love.
A couple of months ago he told me that
he was really confused as although he thinks he
loves his girlfriend, he has started to have strong
feelings for me. Since then he has been blowing
really hot and cold.
There are times when we work
together alone and we really have to restrain
ourselves to stop anything from happening.
He
doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend and neither do
I.
When we become close, he seems to run a
mile.
He has stopped phoning me at home, as he said
that once he has spoken to me, he can't stop
thinking about me and this is not fair to his
girlfriend.
Sometimes we are really close and
other times he is really distant with me. I'm
unsure what to do.
Last week he told me that we have loads in
common and that we would be perfect together.
Despite this he is not going to split up with his
girlfriend at the moment.
I've talked to my mother
about it and she thinks that he is scared, as if he
splits up with his girlfriend to be with me, we
might not work out.
Even though I really like him, I have no
intention of letting anything happen between us
while he is with his girlfriend.
Working with him
is tearing me apart, as I really want to be with
him.
I don't want to leave my job, as I love it and
please don't tell me to just move on because I have
already tried too.
Do you think he really likes me
or do you think that he is just playing mind games?
Please help me, as I'm really confused.
Confused
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Dear Confused
While I definitely think there is a strong mutual
chemistry between you, until your friend comes to
terms with his sexuality and his sexual preferences,
you are going to feel like a bit of a yo yo.
He wants
you badly but when you get close, he uses his
girlfriend as an excuse to create distance.
This shows
how ambivalent he is about intimacy in general!
After
all, look what he's doing to her.
Your friend has some
serious issues not only in terms of his sexual choice
but in terms of his ability to be intimate as well.
He
has placed himself in the middle of a triangle in
which no one really has him and in which he really has
nobody!
This kind of push/pull creates a lot of
anxiety and pain for everyone involved. How do you
think his girlfriend would feel if she found out!
If
she is his first love, he certainly isn't treating her
well if he is cheating on her emotionally with you!
I
will not tell you to move on but I will tell you that
until this friend resolves his issues he will not be
emotionally available to anyone.
The bottom line issue
is that your involvement with someone you can't have
makes it easy for you to avoid true intimacy with
someone else.
The choice is yours.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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