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He Doesn't Want to Talk About Problems...
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Dear Dr. TRuth,
I am getting married in four months. I have been
engaged for four years.
However, my fiancee and I have at least two major
issues. I just don't know
if this is serious enough for me to consider backing
down from marriage.
My fiancee and I are not seeing eye to eye on money
issues. He feels that
when we are married once the bills are paid for each
person should have
allowance money to spend. The catch is the other
person should not ask what
the money was spent on.
An example is, he spends
money on CD's or a football
jersey that's over $200.00. If he used it from his
allowance money I should
not complain. I'm not ok with this. My parents have
been together for over 30
years and consult every detail of their expenses
together. My fiancee feels
that this is like "reporting" to the mate.
My other problem is that whenever something bothers
me (other than money
matters), I feel I can't tell him without getting
upset.
I email him or try
over the phone. This doesn't work. He never wants to
hear the bad he only
wants things to always be on the upbeat. However, I
have issues I want to
discuss.
I feel he keeps me from expressing my
feelings which turn into
resentment. Lately, I have really been questioning
my relationship.
Please
help me. I'm getting married in four months and am
afraid of failing. Please
Help ME!!!! Any advice will much be appreciated. I
need to hear an expert's
advice.
THank you,
Miss G.
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Dear "G"
You are right about one thing: these issues will not
go away once you are married and need to be resolved
ASAP.
Before I get into the issues themselves, you
two need to seek some kind of premarital counseling
before the wedding. Many couples do this with
excellent results. You two have known each other for
four years. I wonder why you are just beginning to get
scared.
You are with someone who basically does not
allow you to communicate with him and who shuts out
anything he doesn't want to hear. How can a
relationship progress unless the two of you can really
talk.
While I think each partner should have
discretionary cash to spend as they choose, your
problems are way deeper than money. As a rule, money
issues are usually symbolic of deeper problems. I
think your fiance, for whatever reason, has difficulty
dealing with anything he doesn't want to hear.
Marriage is a long and serious lifetime arrangement.
It is virtually impossible that issues won't arise
which he will need to address.
You obviously come from
parents who had an exceptionally close relationship.
You are engaged to someone who believes that nothing
serious needs to or can be discussed. This belief
system does not bode well for a relationship in which
problems which come up can be solved and the fact that
you are already feeling resentment is a bad sign.
My
advice is to tell him that you need to find some kind
of forum in which you two can talk about the
underlying issues before you go ahead with this
marriage.
What else can you do unless you plan to hold
things in for the rest of your lives together! Tell
him that your mutual future happiness with each other
depends on open and honest communication.
Frankly,
without it, this marriage, or any relationship for
that matter, doesn't stand much of a chance.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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