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Her New Husband Continues to Ogle Other Women...
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Dear Dr. TRuth,
I've been married about 5 months to a man my same age of 53. We dated about 1 1/2 years before we got married.
A couple of months before we got married I noticed he was ogling other women while we were out. He will do double takes and triple takes and even go as far as to look down their blouses.
If we're at a restaurant he seems to find an attractive women to stare at and only looks at me if he has to answer me. At the mall he is always on the prowl and usually when they get right up beside him he will turn towards them and take it all in.
If a woman has a low cut top he will wait until she is right beside him and then look straight down her top.
At a county fair last summer he insisted on getting on every ride with his daughter's cute friend (19 yr. old) The year before he told me he didn't like the rides and my son had to ride alone.
He has even hired a young beautiful woman to help out in his office. I didn't think much of it at first but now I'm beginning to wonder.
I tried talking to him about this about 2 months ago and told him I found it very disrespectful and would not tolerate it. He said he was just a people watcher and didn't think he was doing anything wrong.
Nothing has changed since then.
I'm not sure I want to live the rest of my life with someone like this. I was happily married before to my late husband and never had anything like this happen.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks
Mrs. X
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Dear Mrs. X,
I think this is an annoying and frustrating habit and I don't blame you for feeling upset. Also, it sounds like you were happy in your previous marriage and that you are not in this one.
Since I know nothing of your present husband's relationship history, it is hard to ascertain what his problem is but this obsessive checking out of other women is very discounting to your own sense of yourself as an attractive woman.
This is a mark of a man who feels deeply inadequate in that he feels the grass is always greener.
He is also dealing with his own aging and needs the attention and approval of others to validate his masculinity.
Once again, since I know very little about him, and you have definitely tried to express how unhappy this has made you, I think you should suggest some kind of marital counseling to see if this is resolvable. Marriage counseling is suggested when normal communication patterns don't work and he obviously sees nothing wrong with his behavior and has no intention of stopping.
Further, his behavior verges on the inappropriate. Insisting that his daughter's 19 year old girlfriend ride with him is pretty gross if not downright vile.
I think your husband's behavior is outrageous and intolerable. Indeed, if he will not change without therapy and does not agree to go to therapy, you will have to decide whether or not you can tolerate this behavior just to stay married.
As in all marriages, we have to evaluate whether a person's negative traits outweigh their positive ones.
Ask yourself if you are happy with him in spite of this trait. What does he do that makes you happy? Is it worth it for you to hang in there if he is a good husband to you in other ways?
My suggestion is to make it very clear that his behavior makes you feel insecure and irritated and that if he is unable to stop that the two of you talk to a counselor to iron it out.
Again, evaluate if this is something you can live with because the rest of the relationship works for you. Leaving a good man because of one annoying habit may not be the best either. This is a decision only you can make.
Good luck and let me know what happens.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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