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Twelve Days of Christmas - Gone Terribly Wrong

Warning - Before you send all of the gifts described in the song - "The Twelve Days of Christmas" - read how it can go TERRIBLY wrong... as described by the series of letters written to the gift-giver by the recipient of such lovely Christmas gifts ...
(OR go directly to the expenses for the 12 Days of Christmas) or Jeff Foxworthy version of 12 Days of Redneck Christmas, Johnny Cash's Country 12 Days of Christmas, or the funny 12 Pains of Christmas

December 14th

12 Days of Christmas gifts - Day 1

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection,


December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,


December 16th

Dear John:

12 Days of Christmas - Day 3 French Hens

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.



December 17th

12 Days of Christmas - Day 4 Calling Birds

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.



December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,


December 19th

Dear John:

12 Days of Christmas - Day 6 Geese Alaying

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!



December 20th


12 Days of Christmas - Day 7 Swans a Swimming

What's with you and those birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with the birds.



December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is cow poop all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART-ASS!


December 22nd

Hey Butthead:

12 Days of Christmas - Day 9 Pipers piping

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And man do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,


December 23rd

You Rotten Dick:

12 Days of Christmas - Day 10 Ladies dancing

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those women ladies. They've been with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sic'ing the police on you. They know where you are.

One who means it,


December 24th

Listen, Doormat:

12 Days of Christmas - Day 11 Lords Leaping

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.

Those pipers ran through the maids and are now after the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy.

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th

From the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
Attorneys at Law

CHECK OUT the exact cost of the 12 Days of Christmas (not including legal fees)

Don't make John's Mistake(s) ... Here are a few suggestions for ...

Looking for Christmas songs?:
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  • "Greatest Time of the Year"
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    Twelve Days of Christmas Xmas songs and Christmas carol all free printing
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    Twelve Days of Christmas
    Christmas gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas" can go terribly wrong - read these letters before you send Christmas gifts with photos of recipient and entire degenerating process based on the song each Christmas letter tells the tale of how Christmas gifts should be selected .. with pics of Agnes and gifting gone wrong