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Love and relationship help and relationship advice with help for any kind of romantic problem from flirting to getting a date to breaking up - Dr. TRuth - our own "Links 2 Love" - love doctor serves up the truth about any relationship ...

   Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth

Dear Doctor TRuth,


I am 42 and in love with my boyfriend of 1-1/2 years, Ben, who is 48. We have a wonderful relationship built on love, mutual respect and friendship.

He has three daughters all leaving for college this summer and I have a seven year old son who also loves Ben very much.

We both know I want to spend the rest of my life with him but he's not so sure, he wants to go on seeing each other and just see what happens.

We both had very unhappy first marriages and he's told me several times he is afraid if we get married and/or live together that sooner or later I will leave him and he doesn't want that to happen.

We both know we would have a wonderful life together, he even admits it, but he has this fear and I don't know what to do.

A couple of weeks ago we went on a trip and we were walking just enjoying the scenery. I guess I was walking too fast and he grabbed me and told me he was afraid I was going to leave him. He did it again this weekend.

Both times I have told him that I wouldn't leave him, and I mean that I would never leave him.

His insecurities bring out my insecurities and sometimes I beat myself into the ground, blaming myself and thinking I'm not good enough, that if I was worth it he'd make a commitment, but I also know that it's not all me.

He tells me he loves me and he thinks I'm wonderful and he can't believe how lucky he is that I love him, but he's so scared and I don't know what to do to reassure him enough to tear down the fences and give us a chance.

He's the best person I have ever known and I can't imagine my life without him, but my faith is starting to run out.

Any advice?


Dear "Questioning,"

This is a tough situation but it is solvable and will work out if you take my advice.

Your boyfriend has been traumatized by this first marriage and has serious abandonment issues. Please know that this has nothing to do with you. He is just afraid of being hurt again.

Similarly, I doubt he will recover from his wounds without professional help. With this kind of trauma, all the reassurances in the world will just roll off his back because he has been too hurt to listen to reason.

Tell him it would mean the world if he would go to counseling to try to work through the pain of whatever has happened to him. If he won't, perhaps he will go with you but I think he needs to work it out on his own.

If he refuses, you need to decide what your bottom line is.

If he won't budge on this, are you willing to stay with him?

This is your call. If you can tolerate his ambivalence, stay. If not, you may have to give him some kind of ultimatum.

I don't envy you, but I do believe he loves you.

Believe me, counseling with the right therapist can work wonders.

Dr. TRuth

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